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Every true lover knows that the secret to his power over women lies in the power they have over him. He is a friend to women. He is delighted by the way they flow through life and the way they occupy the world. Their essence enamors and enchants him, and in return he can't help but celebrate them. He is a romantic; he believes in love, and his love is complete, absolute. He is a slave to his love of women. There is no room for misogyny, no hint of presumption, no toxicity of manipulation. He knows that women can sense immediately when they are in the presence of a man who likes women, who thinks they are beautiful, who makes them feel lovely, who delights in them. He genuinely likes women, and men that like women are liked by women. He feels no need to validate himself to other men by bragging about his exploits. He never kisses and tells. Ever. His encounters with women are never about bolstering his own self-esteem or adding another notch to his bedpost. It is all about respect. It is never about taking something for himself, but always about sharing something with her. For he knows that all experiences in life are amplified once they are shared. His biggest fear is to be perceived as just another man; he is not like other men, nor does he aspire to be. If he thought for a moment that she regretted her encounter with him in any way, or somehow felt sad or hurt because of him, it would break his heart. He can't bear the thought that a woman would ever feel she was manipulated by him. And yet he doesn't mask his desires as a man. He never portrays indifference or apathy in an attempt to sneak under the radar. Instead he embraces his sexuality, presents it to her without presumption, is delighted if she responds favorably but deeply respectful if she does not. He enters every one of his romantic adventures with newness and excitement, like his first love all over again. He knows that the impact he makes on her, and that she makes on him, will resonate with both of them for years. And will he be hurt? Will he feel the pangs of loss when it ends? Of course. But he loves it all just the same. He lives his life believing that every interaction in life is, in essence, a seduction. And so he assumes a woman is always interested. It might be a false assumption, of course, but it is a pleasant assumption, and so it is the way he has chosen to live his life. He never defends himself when accused of being a player. He knows the truth: that he never plays with a woman's emotions. He is at peace with himself. And so he makes no attempt at apology or justification for the way he is; he desires neither empathy nor absolution, nor even, for that matter, understanding. He has no need to defend himself because women are his greatest defenders. Instead he believes his intentions are pure and mutually desired. He is genuine and honest, maybe the most honest man she has ever met. And women have demonstrated over and over to him that honesty is the best aphrodisiac. And to him, they are all his girls. Every woman is his woman. He has immense compassion for women. He sees their sadness and their loss, their faded dreams, their dead and dying relationships, their stultifying careers and responsibilities, and he makes it his mission to impart beauty to their life again. Yes, he has been created by women, formed by them, and inspired by them. He shares in their secrets...
Zan Perrion "... The manifesto of a lover. It is crystallized and fine, honest and smooth like a polished diamond..." -- Idan Cohen |
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What does it mean? When you hear the word Seduction, what images swim into your view? Unfortunately, there are those of us who think it has something to do with finding ways to convince a woman to drop her resistance long enough for us to have sex with her (before she changes her mind). So we try all kinds of things to "seduce" her, hoping to stumble upon something that works. We click all over the screen in frustration, trying to push all her buttons and levers in the correct sequence - like some bizarre version of the game Myst. It is a lot of work, but worth it if we manage to "get lucky". After all, this is seduction! Well, this is dead wrong. This is not seduction. This is manipulation. So what is seduction then? Dictionaries generally have two definitions for the word: 1.
The act of leading astray What I am talking about is the second definition. Looked at in this light - something that attracts or charms - there is a quiet beauty in the notion of seduction. The truth is, women WANT to be seduced. Do you know what women think about when they hear the word seduction? They think of torch lights and tangos, sand and sarongs - that's what women think about! Women everywhere are starved for seduction, for passion, for romance. I believe that seduction is the number one element we are missing in all of our interactions with women today. It is the missing ingredient in all our relationships. It doesn't matter if you just met her five minutes ago, or if you've been married to her for 30 years. Women, all women, will still respond to the same things they have always responded to. I am often asked in interviews to describe the concept of Enlightened Seduction in one sentence. Well, the phrase that comes closest to the essence of what I do is this: I teach men that women are beautiful... Now, that might sound like nothing more than idealistic and florid rhetoric - especially in our modern age of cynicism and mistrust - but the truth is, when you start to believe that women are beautiful, they will start to believe it too. It is that one core belief that separates true lovers of women from pickup artists, one night stand cowboys, and heartbreakers with a whole bouquet of empty promises. In fact, with that mindset, all things are possible with women, and they will open themselves up to you in amazing ways. This has nothing to do with masking your desires as a man or positioning yourself as the "nice guy". Women know right away what I am all about. Even though I am friends with all women, they would never place me in the "let's just be friends" category. Always remember that women are complicit in their own seduction. They WANT to be seduced. A common theme I hear from women all the time is the feeling they have that there are no longer any real men. So here's the thing: discovering the secrets of women, and learning about the kinds of things they universally respond to, is very powerful. It is truly the only thing that works with women! It is the only way to have exceptional women in your life on a consistent basis - women who can't stop thinking about you... who dream about you when you are not around. These are the kinds of things that "Naturals" have known for centuries. Naturals are men who are at ease in the land of women. And a woman will always respond to a Natural because he shares in her secrets. She simply can't help it.
Zan Perrion |
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Imagine yourself on a warm summer day, strolling down the sidewalk of your favorite city, slow and serene. Just you and your thoughts. Just you and the smells of the shops and restaurants that you pass. Just you and the sound of traffic. Just you and the strangers around you, behind you, beside you, toward you. You feel calm, like a rock in the middle of a stream, as the people part and flow around you. You feel the warmth of the sun on your face and you are glad you have nowhere to be and nothing in particular that needs your attention. You are not doing anything. You are just... being. The air is alive, electric. Possibilities are everywhere and you breathe deeply, absorbing the smells and the sights and the sounds. And then... you see her. She is casually walking toward you, stopping occasionally to look in shop windows, and she is beautiful to you. She wears a simple dress, unadorned and soft, floating about her as she moves, with the sunlight shining through it, tracing her shape, her form. It's that kind of dress. Time slows down and you catch your breath. She is getting closer, unaware that you are watching her, absorbed in her own reverie, window shopping. It is obvious she is not in a hurry. And now she is even closer. Here's the question: what will you do? What will you do? You know exactly what you want to do. You want to stop her as she is about to pass and say something charming and confident. You want to smile and ask her name. You want to ask her to join you for coffee around the corner. And if she joins you for coffee, you want her to sit with you, fully attentive, enthralled by your easy manner and compelling conversation, as you regale her with stories and fun and witty repartee. You want her to be so intrigued by you that she offers you her phone number - without you even asking. And then you want to call her tonight! And the next night. And the next. You want to tell her she is beautiful to you, and that you can't wait to see her again. You want to do all those things. But you can't. You can't... because you are afraid. You are afraid that if you try to stop her and say hello, she will smile a weak smile at you and then keep going. Or she will ignore you. Or she will shake her head and avert her eyes and duck around you. You are afraid that if she does stop and she does tell you her name, then you will draw a blank, and you will look foolish and awkward as you desperately try to think of something interesting to say. You are afraid that even if you don't draw a blank and you manage to engage her in some semblance of conversation and you ask her to join you for coffee, she will decline and say she has a boyfriend. Or she will laugh at you. Or she will look you dead in the eye and say, "No, not interested." And walk away. You are afraid that even if she does agree to join you for coffee that, well, maybe she is just bored and has nothing better to do. Besides, you certainly are not her type anyway. After all, you are sure you are too short for her and you are sure she likes a different hair color than yours and you are sure you aren't good looking enough for her. And then even if she appears to like you, and she does ask you to call her and she gives you her number, then you are afraid you will have no idea what to do with it. Should you call her right away? Should you wait three days? A week? You have no idea. And then even if you do manage to get up enough courage to call her, how should you act? How should you sound? Should your tone be upbeat, fun and carefree, or suave, assured and direct? Or should you just be yourself? And, for that matter, how do you be yourself anyway? Why would she ever be interested in you being yourself? And finally, if do you compliment her and tell her she looks beautiful today in her simple dress that floats about her when she moves, then you are afraid she will view it as supplication. No, you can't compliment her. Instead, you must act distant and cool and aloof and uninterested, because if you don't, she will think that you are needy and clingy and too available. You hate acting like that - why can't you just be natural and real and not play these games? Ah, but if you don't, you are sure you will lose. And there you have it. She is almost upon you now, but it doesn't matter because in a fraction of a second, your mind has conjured up all of these negative scenarios. And so as she passes by, all you manage to put together is a thin-lipped smile and a nod in her direction and, well... she may or may not have noticed; you can't really tell. And it makes you very sad. Well, you are not alone. This is how most men live their lives: they spend their time watching her pass by. They fail to act, letting what could possibly be the most fulfilling romantic encounter they have ever experienced quietly pass them by. It is all because of our deepest fear: the fear of rejection. In today's society, a man feels that if a woman rejects him in any way - however politely and kindly she does it - she has somehow invalidated his very masculinity. He can't help but feel that she is indirectly rejecting him as a man. He simply isn't good enough for her. And by extension, he is not good enough for anyone - including himself. It doesn't matter what her reasons are - she might be sad today, or not feeling pretty, or newly broken up with her boyfriend, or happily married, or frustrated with her career or her life... or whatever. He still takes it personally. Even the most confident of men among us - those used to being constantly in the company of women - get rejected now and then; they still feel a twinge of hesitation when they encounter a woman that takes their breath away. The fear of rejection is a man's deepest fear, and it causes him to hesitate, to catch himself, to pause with that oh-so familiar sinking feeling in his stomach. In other words, without her even saying a single word to him or even noticing him at all, he has already rejected himself. She doesn't have to reject him because he has already done it for her. The truth is, the fear of rejection is ingrained in all of us, including her. We have been conditioned by society to believe that we simply aren't good enough. It feels natural to us that others will reject us because we have lived with the fear of rejection our whole lives. We wear this fear around us like a blanket; we have grown accustomed to it. In addition, the root of most of the problems in our relationships is our fundamental fear of rejection. For even in a seemingly stable and otherwise happy relationship, the latent fear of rejection can simmer just beneath the surface, manifesting itself occasionally (or often) in acts of jealousy or anger or selfishness or petty arguments. We are born with only one fear: the fear of loud noises. All other fears are acquired as we move through life. When we were four years old, we all could sing. When we were four years old, we all could draw. But then we started to go to school and for the first time, we began to compare ourselves to others. We looked over at another kid's drawing and for the first time, we felt that maybe we couldn't draw. Society has ingrained in our consciousness the notion that we might not be as good as someone else. Or, equally common, our parents conveyed to us through their words or their actions from an early age that we simply were not good enough. Men spend their lives trying to compensate for this perceived lack of value. They try to wear the right clothes, get the right job, drive the right car; all in an attempt to distract her. We hope that maybe she won't notice - and ultimately reject - the real us. So here we are today: men fear women because they feel that she has the power... the power to validate them. To most men, if a woman agrees to see them or date them or marry them or love them, it gives him value. He feels like a man, like someone has accepted who he is. Unfortunately, he feels the reverse is also true: after all, if she rejects him by not agreeing to any of these things, then is she not invalidating him? One of the saddest phrases for a man to hear from a woman is, "Don't take this personally, but..." She may sincerely not want to hurt him, but in reality, a man can't help but take it personally. What happens is this: he feels the rejection, polite or not, as a direct invalidation of his very soul. It sends a man into paroxysms of self examination. "Why?" he asks, "What is it about me that she didn't like? Am I not tall enough? Charming enough? What did I do? What didn't I do? Why?" And the cycle repeats. I once saw a sign in a hotel lobby in Vienna (of all places) that said this: "If you could see yourself the way others see you, you would be amazed." I thought about that sign for a long time, and you should too. For if you do, you will discover that it truly is the answer to the fear of rejection. Always remember that no matter what the outcome, no matter how she responds to you, you are still you! You never lose. Never forget this, for it is the key to overcoming your fear of rejection. And then... do it anyway. Even successful, confident speakers and performers get butterflies just before they go onstage. It is natural. The difference is that they do it anyway. They don't fail to act. They don't necessarily have less fear of rejection than the rest of us; instead they take a deep breath, steel themselves, and do it anyway - in spite of their fear. Success breeds confidence and confidence, as we know, breeds success. So the next time you see her, don't hesitate. Instead, approach her with a smile, knowing in your heart that she too is afraid of rejection, that she too is nervous about how she appears. Don't reject yourself on her behalf - before you have even met her! Acknowledge your fear, and then do it anyway. Remember: No matter what happens, you are still you. You never lose!
Zan Perrion |
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Let's take a short journey into the distant past. Not a vague journey, a specific journey - one that will take us along a very interesting path, a path we rarely consider, if ever. To start, let's try to imagine what the world was like around, say, a thousand years ago. Ok, now let's see... with a little license, we can say this was roughly the time in history when the seeds of courtly love were first being sown, when troubadours were just beginning to write lyric poems about abstract concepts like chivalry, and when knights and damsels were just beginning to come into their own. So yes, this is a fine place to begin our journey. Now imagine a man standing on the earth all those many years ago. That man, somewhere on earth and one thousand years ago, had a son, who then went on to have a son, who also had a son, who, in turn, had a son, and so on, all the way down through the centuries. These men, all of them creators, produced a very direct and distinct line of fathers and sons, all the way down to the modern age. And, more specifically, all the way down to you. Oh, did I forget to mention that the man you should imagine one thousand years ago is your direct ancestor? Well, let's imagine it now. What did he look like? What was he wearing? What kind of people were around him? And where on the earth do you guess he was standing? And while you are pondering those questions, also consider this excellent thought: every single one of us alive today had a forefather standing on the earth one thousand years ago. So there he is. This man was your blood. You are his legacy. And stretching through these many years between you and him, that distant ancestor on a distant shore, is a long unbroken line of fathers and sons, creators, men who ultimately created you today. And now think about the many thousands of men who were his contemporaries that have no direct descendents alive today. In other words, somewhere in the last thousand years, they or their sons or daughters had no offspring and their particular line died out. The implication, of course, is that you have the blood of winners circulating in your veins. Think about that for a minute. Your forefathers had the strength and imagination and courage to create. Against all the odds - short life expectancies, wars, crusades, famines, persecution, plagues and pestilence - they persevered. They won. Through all the centuries, the Dark Ages, the Renaissance, the Reformation and Enlightenment, through the incredible periods of Exploration and Colonization, through the Victorian Age, the Industrial Age, through Civil and World Wars, through the Information Age, all the way to you. You, my friend, have the bloodline of champions. Your fathers were adventurers, pioneers, and warriors. Warriors who stood on a battlefield with a sword. And yet... we are afraid to talk to that girl over there. It is amazing when you think about it. It's kind of like we are letting these men down. One thing's for sure: we are definitely letting that girl down. Why? Because she deserves your true self. In fact, the world deserves your true self. The world deserves your authenticity. The world deserves you being fully present. We, as men, have forgotten how to stand on the earth. We have forgotten how to be spacious. We have forgotten that we have been given a name. We have forgotten the legacy of all those who came before us. We dial ourselves down. We settle. And there's the problem. We settle - in our careers, in our relationships, in all aspects of our lives. Women everywhere are asking "Where are the real men?" And we're over here in the corner saying, "It's good enough." No more! Never settle. Dregs settle. Always remember the legacy of those who came before you. Because of them, you have the right to occupy your space on earth. You have the right to speak your name. You have the right to be spacious. And you certainly have the right to talk to that girl!
Zan Perrion |
